John: Try To Understand
by Miss Nihilist
Summary: "I want you to call me Dave, now." She says, nervously picking at the fraying cuff of her hoodie. "Dave?" You repeat, laughing a little. "But that's a boy's name!" She looks away. "Actually," she says quietly, "I... think I am a boy." Your name is John Egbert, and you have a girlfriend- Your name is John Egbert and, well... you guess you have a boyfriend now.


**Disclaimer: I, the author, do not actually feel this way about trans people. This is not a coping story for me. I just thought it would be a fun scenario to try writing, so you can give me any kind of feedback you want. I have literally never written a trans character before this, and I did this in about an hour regardless, so I do not expect it to be good.**

* * *

"I want you to call me Dave, now." She tells you. Was this the important thing she had to get off of her chest? It must be. You can tell after ten years of being the girl's best friend, and two years of being her boyfriend, that she isn't faking the way she bites the inside of her cheek or nervously picks at the fraying cuff of her hoodie.

"Dave?" You repeat, laughing a little. It's kind of funny that she would make you worry so much for just a joke like this. "But that's a boy's name!"

You're not sure when it clicks that she isn't joking.

Maybe it's the hurt on her face at the sound of your laughter. Or in the way she has to look away. Or maybe it's in the desperation of her next few words. "Actually," she says quietly, "I... think I am a boy. I talked to Bro about it already. John, I'm transgender."

Your name is John Egbert, and you have a girlfriend-

Your name is John Egbert, and you have a g-

 **John: Try To Understand**

Your name is John Egbert and, well... you guess you have a boyfriend now.

* * *

"What do you think about this whole thing?" You ask her- um, _his_ brother, standing by the doorway while you wait for Dani- _Dave_ ( _his_ name is _Dave_ now, fuck, why can't you get that right?), to finish up in the bathroom so you can walk to school together.

Bro hasn't said more than ten words to you in your entire life, and you've known him since you were seven. He says about one word to year a year, since you'll be graduating soon, and you wonder if you should feel flattered or insulted.

"Think about what?" He grunts, not looking away from the TV to address you. "You walkin' ta school together? Have at it. 'S not like I care, so long as you get to school and don't get killed in the process."

You shake your head. "No, not that." He knows what you mean, you can tell, because he's talking the way he would talk to Da...ve. Nailed it. "You know what I mean. What do you think about the whole… gender… thing…?" Is that they way you should refer to it? Fuck. You have no idea what you're even doing.

He sighs, pausing the TV and twisting around on the futon to look at you. "John." He says after a moment of sizing you up. "I know that you haven't had a lot of… exposure to this sort of thing in your life, so I 'preciate that you're at least trying. Here's how I see it: I don't really care." Bro shrugs. "He wants to go by Dave or Dani or he or she or wear jeans over skirts, who the fuck am I to argue? It's his life, and he can live it however makes him happy." He turns back to the TV, which you guess means that the conversation is over. "Break his heart over somethin' like this, and I'll break your neck."

You're glad that the conversation is over.

* * *

You spend a lot of time thinking about what Bro told you. And…

It doesn't help.

You don't know what your problem with this whole thing is. You go with Dani- er, _Dave_ (now that Bro helped her- _him_ , legally change his name), to get his hair cut. You feel weird about it. You have been friends with Dani and Rose and Jade for as long as you can remember. You can remember all three of them wearing dresses and making a mess with makeup and excluding you from their fort because of "cooties" and... You feel a little lost, watching that girl you grew up with… become a boy.

You pay for his haircut, even though you feel a little sick watching the golden strands that used to reach her mid-back falling to the floor. You always liked messing around with her hair. But you never realized just how… uncomfortable she was to have it.

You guess that you never realized a lot of things about Dani.

You take her to the clothing store you usually buy from. Which is, anything in the mall that you like. You spend the whole day with her there, letting her drag you from store to store and pick out outfit after outfit, filling bag after bag with male clothing. You do this part easier than the haircut - you're almost happy. Her enthusiasm is contagious, and you haven't seen her smile so much in a long, long time.

You start to think that maybe you can be okay with this transition. As long as it makes her happy, well…

How hard can it really be to accept?

She gets a binder online, from some store you've never heard of, and when you walk her to school the next time, you introduce her to Jade and Rose as "Dave," despite how tight your throat feels.

You never had a strong opinion on the name "Dave" until that moment. They were both incredibly supportive of him, giving Dave tight hugs and congratulations, while you watched, wondering if you were the only one who was going to miss Dani.

* * *

Kissing him is nice.

Despite all the changes Dani has gone through, he still feels like a she when you kiss him. It's hard to make lips masculine, after all. Their soft and warm and as sweet as always when you put an arm around her waist and pull her into you. When you run a hand down her side, you can feel her curves through all the baggy clothing she wears to hide them. The thought reassures you, even though you hate yourself for being relieved. Underneath it all, Dave is still Dani. Still the girl you fell in love with, and the girl that you don't want to lose.

"What do I tell people if they ask about our relationship?" You ask him, lounging around on his couch. Dave has his bare feet up on your lap, and those are feminine, too, small and slight and not nearly as hairy as yours. You hope that you aren't developing some sort of foot fetish.

Dave shrugs at the question. He seems more invested in the _Harry Potter_ rerun playing on screen than the turmoil in your chest. "Say that I'm your boyfriend." He replies, as if it's just that easy. And it should be, so why are you having such a problem getting the word to form past your lips? Boyfriend. You've never had a strong opinion about that word before, either.

"Well, yeah, but…" You sigh, "but you know I'm straight, and so does everyone else in the school by now."

Dave blinks. He turns to look at you, and you can see the confusion in his eyes with his shades set to the side. His eyes are feminine, too, with long lashes and the laugh lines he's developed over the years from smiling so hard. He smiled more before he started becoming Dave. Dani was almost always smiling. "If you're straight, then what are you doing with a boyfriend?" He asks.

You have no idea what Dave is trying to imply, but he doesn't say anything more, turning back to the movie. You quickly get lost in thought, because Dave has a point.

Either you're not as straight as you thought you were, or he isn't as much of a boy as he wants to be.

Frankly, neither thought appeals to you.

* * *

You struggle for weeks.

Weeks of walking to school with _Dave_ , and kissing _Dave_ , and hanging out at _Dave's_ house, and you've never missed Dani more in your life. _She_ wouldn't put you through something like this. _She_ would be understanding and sympathetic, and all _he_ seems to care about is how fast Bro can arrange to have him start taking testosterone.

Something about that makes you finally snap.

"I'm going to be taking testosterone soon." Dave says offhandedly while you're hanging out in his room, pouring over your science homework.

You put your pencil down, looking up at him, your brow furrowed in confusion. "What does that mean, exactly?" You really hope that it isn't what you think it is.

"Mm, well, Bro had a friend help him arrange everything." Dave continues. "So once I start taking it, I should start growing more hair on places besides my head, thankfully, and my voice will deepen, and just, y'know, I'll start to look more like a guy." He's smiling while you gape at him, as if he can't see the way he's slowly tearing apart everything you love and hold dear.

You can feel it - your whole life, being swept away. Everything you worked for and wanted. Every dream of going to the same school as Dani and marrying her and settling down some place quiet and maybe having kids, or a dog. You know that she always wanted a dog - her apartment building doesn't allow pets.

If Dani is dead, then you suppose that Dave is the one that killed her.

You… have no idea how to feel.

* * *

Testosterone was the end of it. If it did what Dave seemed to think it would do, then you would lose everything that you had taken comfort in. Her lips, her curves, even her fucking feet. Her hands wouldn't be so small anymore, they would be like yours, big and rough and growing hair. You didn't want that. You didn't want to lose _her_ , but _he_ is all you had left of Dani anymore.

You try to talk to your dad about it, but you don't know how you feel, so you can't exactly talk to him about your feelings. You… you want Dani to be happy. That much, you're still certain of. But is Dave even the same as Dani? He talks as if Dani is dead now - not even replaced, that she's _dead_. Gone. She's not coming back. So now you have Dave, and you want… him to be happy, too. Yes. Even though she's changed, you can still see her inside of him. Dave is still Dani, Dani is Dave. He's the girl you grew up with, the girl you fell in love with, and even if you can't quite understand the whole "I'm a guy now" thing, you want him to be happy, too. Because he's still your best friend of ten years, and your… boyfriend of two years.

Or, boyfriend of two months, you suppose.

You don't know how you're ever going to get used to calling her that.

* * *

"I want to break up."

In truth, you had been thinking about doing so for a few months now. Five months ago, Dani had started going by Dave, started making the transition from female to male, and you still weren't very happy with the decision, as much as you did your best to be supportive. She got teased at school for it, and while it hadn't escalated to anything physical yet, you didn't want to risk it. You tried to be with her before school, after school, and in between classes, to shut down anyone who thought that it was funny to pick on her. Or, him, you guess. You knew that it annoyed him, sure, but his annoyance was something you could tolerate. You didn't want to see Dave get hurt, which was understandable, but you're… insistence on the topic confused you. He can take care of himself, you knew that, but did your overprotectiveness stem from you being a good friend, or from you wanting to be a good boyfriend? You weren't sure. Did you love Dave, or who he used to be?

You never got the answer figured out, and it seemed like you wouldn't be, either.

You lifted your head, staring up at Dave in surprise. "You… what?" You hadn't been expecting that from him at all. "You want to break up?"

Dave nods. You can tell that he's been struggling with this decision for a while now. He may not be Dani, but he sure acts like her, biting the inside of his cheek and fiddling with the fraying sleeves of his hoodie just the way she used to. "Yeah. I…" He clears his throat. "I know how against testosterone you are, John, and since I'm going to start taking it soon… I thought it was time that we address the elephant in the room."

He sits down next to you on the couch, pulling his knees up against his chest. You wonder if the position makes him uncomfortable. That binder can't be the best thing in the world to wear so often, can it?

You sigh. "Can we still be friends?" You ask quietly. You don't need Dave to explain his reasoning. You get it. He wants to be someone's boyfriend, not the old girlfriend of someone who just can't understand.

"Of course." Dave nods without even having to think about it. "I… I knew that my transition was going to be hard for you." He reaches over, taking your hand, and smiles gently. "Thanks for trying as long as you did. But I think we both knew that this was coming."

You give his hand a squeeze. "I know. But I'll always be your friend, Dave." When you lean in, he doesn't pull away, and you kiss him one last time. This time, it's easier to think of Dave as a him than a her. His lips are still soft and supple, but his hand in yours is strong and firm, and this time, calling him "Dave" isn't that hard.

You think that you can even get used to it.

Before you can be a supportive boyfriend, you should probably work on being a supportive friend.


End file.
